The Most Longest, but Un-Important Poem Ever (Pt. 1)

no one understands

why i am the way i am

no can conclude

how i turn out just so crude

i'm rough

but surely not tough

just really unpolished

and yet flawless simultaneously

and so amazingly

still sane

but to the point

that it dont make sense

arent i lame?

to the point that no one knows

how i feel

i send subliminal messages

but you dont take it forreal

so thus my annoyance

is pain that won;t heal

until i feel

confidence

trust

love, no lust

and happiness

but rite now

all im getting is crappyness

and i try to be happy

but im breaking apart

being a teenager sucks ass

and it really breaks my heart

that im stressing

at seventeen

inbetween adolescence

and being an adult

i try to improve myself

but im the one at fault

and its obvious

im not like you

and yur not like me

and im not like them

not like he or she

i'm me

one of a kind

not like two of a kind in cards

but one

and all say

who cares what they think

but yu dont understand

i dont even know what i think

my thoughts?

i blink

trying to find words

but they fly out my mind

like a chaotic flock of birds

like the feeling in my tummy

whenever he runs from me

im unsettled inside

so i run and hide

and he wonders why i whine?

becuz i dont know whats in me

and i try to cross lines so thinly

but i jump in too deep

i just want him to keep focus on me

and forgive me for providing such a burden

he doesnt need the extra stress

i'm supposed to be a release

wait i dont wanna talk about it

becuz it hurts so bad

to talk about sumone you'd

give the whole world for

but arent sure if theyd give it back

and im not asking him to

i swear im not trying control his moves

i just want us to steadily pace this thing

into something more

let me not talk about test scores

or feeling like a whore

like im selfish cuz i am

and no one gives a damn

why i act like this

yet im so generous

i care about how they feel

but i dont alwys get it in return

i'd pour water on they fire

but they wud let my heart burn

like if im choking

plz acknowlege me

instead of letting me suffer

i dont know how to explain

theres no one way or other

and what makes me insane

is that i cud go on for days

about how i feel so shitty

but think im the shit

and how i have small titties

but my goods are so rich

but did you hear that

did you feel that

did you understasnd my terms

how i have skills to werk that in

so non nonchalantly

how im so pure

but oh how i want to sin

with him

but my chances are slim

what am i talking?

why am i so grim?

like why do i say th things i say

in the way

i say what i say

and why is it games

that humans play

to test their own minds

and why am i black and puerto rican

with such a flat behind

and why cant i be confident

even tho i want others to love me

and i say i love myself

but i epitomize being oxymoronic

you'd think i'm on that chronic

but i wud never drug myself

its bad for my health

yet caffiene is a drug

i cant let go

and how i feel is chastized

when i show

what im losing my mind about

all this self doubt

like what is college really all about

and why do i have to go

i dont think its for me

if i go it will be my demise

a professor's waste of time

trying to teach this continient with no cause

how to go, stop and pause

in life

and how to be a mother

how to be a wife

i dont know

and i want to take risks

but they always bite me in the ass

and i want to take rich

to the clouds and even past

to the universe

i wish it was only he and i

and we could fly to the moon

into the night sky

and sit on a star

and stare in his eyes

but when i come back to reality:...

skool

work

life

im grateful...

but i still want to cry

and as every person who reads this will see

i am not them

i am me

i am not perfect

and i dont try my best

but i do think positive

and wont settle for less

but im forced to

when i give up on myself

and i write in circles

and this is all venting

i vent out loud too much

so im documenting it all

in poetry

and then in my fantasies

i stand so tall

in heels

and R.T. Jr. will catch me if i fall

and i make the right decisions

success in my name

my parents got a fly crib

and no longer am i in mind games

im free

of pain

but happy

in the rain

when my babe holds me so tight

i am in felicity

i hope that means joy

cuz that will be me.